2017 Power Rankings-Bowl Week
Introduction Bowl Week is upon us, with some tantalizing matchups up and down the board. It seems all along we were headed to this exact point, with Dee and JarJar fighting for last place and the epic showdown between the league’s greatest rivalry, TSB vs. RIP, with more at stake than ever. Now I know what you are all thinking. Who do you root for here? I think a lot of us are still stinging from the years when Nate was the insufferable heel of the league, talking shit and never backing it up, telling us all how dumb we are while he made some of the most incredible mistakes we have ever seen. But when you really think about it, that Nate has been gone for years. Sure, he still chirps every now and then, but Pat has really taken that role over since 2015. The Nate we have now has been beaten down one too many times and is more of a quiet assassin. That being said, what are we in store for if he were to win? On the other hand, you have The Shotti Bunch. Shotti has grown to be the most powerful force in the LOC. If it were not for him, I am 100% sure we would have seven different champions in seven different seasons. He basically plays like he's entered the cheat codes that only he knows exist. He plays like he has injuries turned off (Seriously, have any of his guys missed a single game all season?). He doesn't just think he's the best, he knows he's the best, and we all know he's the best, and it's awful. So who do you root for? I'll let you decide. Festival Semifinals Recap As fate would have it, not much was up in the air going into the Monday night games, the drama basically sucked out of the league for week 15. That can only mean we are due for a big one next week. (1)The Shotti Bunch vs. (6)Garoppoblow Me This game ended before the word “ended” was even invented. TSB had one of his vintage semifinal games and continues to be the New England Patriots of the league. No one except quarterfinals Chris was beating them this week. TSB is the only team to have scored over 300 points in the postseason three times. Lucky for GBM, that takes the stress of their poor decision making off their shoulders. Sterling Shepard had the best game of his season against Philly earlier this season, but the prospect of having Jordy back with Aaron Rodgers was too tempting. Turns out Jordy has truly mailed it the fuck in, and there went 40 points to the bench. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Because with Leonard Fournette possibly missing time, GBM should have had the foresight to start CJ Anderson (coming off bellcow level touches in back-to-back games) against the swiss cheese IND defense, but instead benched CJ and his 35 points and was forced to start Jonathan Stewart against a great run defense in Green Bay. Green Bay fucking this team left and right, and losing to top it all off so not even my girlfriend was happy. AND BY THE WAY, WHAN YA GIRL AINT HAPPY, YOU AINT HAPPY! What is there left to say about The Shotti Bunch that hasn’t already been said? He murdered GBM worse than Gronk murdered Davis on the go-ahead drive and two-point conversion. The only difference is the Steelers actually had a chance. Todd Gurley painted his masterpiece, a 71-point performance for the ages. In fact, the Fearsome Threesome (trying to find a goood nickname for his 3 RBs) scored 144.90 alone. Add in the 100 points from Baltimore and Cam Newton and the other 6 players could have taken the day off to rest for the Glory Bowl. But they didn’t, and TSB crushed it. The only good thing about Todd Gurley balling out was that it made GBM’s decision to start Blake Bortles over Jared Goff the right one, which is shocking considering we are talking about Blake fucking Bortles. One other bright spot is Jared Cook absolutely bombed it, which anyone who has owned Jared Cook this season could have saw coming from a mile away (GBM, RIP, P9). That guy is an ass hole who only plays well when he’s a free agent. But since we all pretty much agree TSB needs to lose the Glory Bowl, I'm sure Cook will drop 80. There was exactly one narrow path to the Glory Bowl for GBM, given that PT and TSB both broke 300 in consecutive weeks. It would have been Pain Train usurping TDP and RIP in week 13 in order to be the 2 seed, which would have meant a regular season loss by Paddock 9 to make them the 6 seed and GBM the 5. You with me? Then GBM (5) could have defeated Duck Punchers (4) by 50 in the quarterfinals while Paddock 9 (6) defeated RIPDab (3), and GBM would have gone on to face PT (2) in the Semis where they would have won by the narrow margin of less than 3. And Pat would have still faced a team that scored 300 points, only it would have been The Shotti Bunch. Hindsight is 20/20, but Paddock 9 defeating Pain Train cost both P9 and GBM their seasons. HOWEVAH, GBM benched 2 wins this year and made some atrocious errors due to overanalysis, so for this 6-7 team to make top four for the third straight year is a testament to just how much you can fuck up in fantasy and still find middling success. (2)RIPDab vs. (4)Pain Train WOO WOO Congratulations are in order to RIPDab. On the season that the Salty Dolphin Bowl was named after their repeated appearance in the 3rd place game, RIP did nothing but put together their first run to the Glory Bowl. To say they did it in style, eh, well that’s not exactly the case. But who said it needed to be pretty? For the first time, they avoided the team with the juggernaut performance (there seems to be one every year) and instead got the team with the second-lowest score of the entire festival. The greatest play of the week goes to RIP’s pickup and start of Keelan Cole, whose 44.80 point performance kept the team within firing range and picked up the poor performances of Travis Kelce, Philly D, and later Doug Baldwin. Mark Ingram continues to have a season and like I have said before his name should be in the conversation with Gurley and Bell for RB of the year. Everything went south for Pain Train when Antonio Brown landed awkwardly on his ankle and was removed early from the game against the Patriots. The leading MVP candidate finished with 4.60 points. This all but took the drama out of the matchup, despite Marshawn Lynch’s stellar game, because RIP then needed just 3 combined points from Sanu and Freeman to finish off the Glory Bowl favorite. Outside of Brown, some tough decisions for Pain Train just didn’t pan out. McKinnon has been so inconsistent that he basically was like CJ Anderson, someone who has burned you so many times you can’t stomach starting him over a guy who has delivered week after week, even though everything about the matchups is screaming BENCH COLLINS, START MCKINNON. The Davonte Adams/Devin Funchess decision seems like a headscratcher but considering GB has been just massacred by WR’s in recent weeks you figure it was a safe play either way, but it was not. Ultimately, I said last week it would take an unprecedented collapse by every player in every position on every team for Pain Train to drop a dud like they did in week 15. And while 200 is respectable, it’s not the 230 plus they’ve been churning out for the last month and a half, and the loss of Brown was the sad end to the promising season. 5th Place Game Recap (3)The Duck Punchers vs. (5)Paddock 9 Who would have thought in week 6 that Garoppolo vs. Half-Healthy Aaron Rodgers would be the QB matchup of the week in week 15? Garoppolo is now 5-0 as a starter in the NFL and gave us an incredible LOC debut with 40.69 (nice) points for The Duck Punchers. But Rodgers fought back with 39 points of his own. This game was back and forth, with Kareem Hunt giving TDP the early lead after going OFF against the Chargers. But P9 had anticipated this and swapped his LAC defense for MINN, and benefited greatly as MN was the #2 defense of the week. The final nail in the coffin for TDP was Gronk’s murderous performance against Pittsburgh, and for the second year in a row TDP finished 6th while Paddock 9 finished 5th. The Duck Punchers has the 4th highest point total by a losing team in postseason history. Paddock 9 is undeniably the Consolation King. He has won a postseason game in each of his 7 seasons in the league and they are all consolation games. Still, that is a feat that no one else has accomplished. And I have to say, of all the fake records that p9 has, this one is the most impressive. Seasons with At Least One Postseason Victory (Playoffs/Consolation Games Combined) Consolation Semifinals Recap I think it is okay to say that the four teams down here belonged here, as the four teams here were the only four to score under 200 while the six in the Festival bracket all broke the plane. (7)ma ma momma said vs (10) Sweet Dee Sweet Dee benches the win with JuJu and instead starts Lee, who did not play for the Jaguars for the second straight week. Fantasy Gods were not pleased and gave them the most humilating defeat of the week. Jimmy Graham has been shockingly bad of late and Drew Brees has been an underwhelming keeper QB all season long, though he did outscore Matt Stafford who was also a keeper QB. Momma underwhelmed top to bottom with the exception of Le'Veon Bell and I guess the return of Robert Woods. Jeremy Maclin has been a huge bust, especially since the week ten bye. This is the first ever win for MMMS in the consolation tournament (1-4 record). That leaves Duck Punchers and RIPDab as the only two teams who have never won a consolation tournament game. (8)JarJar Stinks! vs (9)Papa's Pussies Another year of avoiding last place for PP, and while cream rises I think it’s also safe to say shit sinks. JJS’s season is finally leveling out with a big ol’ L in the first round of the consolation tournament. First of all, round of applause to Papa for finally bailing on KC defense. Of course, they are now coming off back-to-back 34+ point games, but better late than never, amiright? Outside of that, admirable of Papa to be so sick that he couldn’t even watch the Patriots game on Sunday but somehow he was still able to set his lineup. To me, this shows a dedication that others may lack. FOR EXAMPLE, Ted Ginn Jr. and Doug Martin in the starting lineup for JarJar Stinks! Despite being inactive. This is now three games in a row that JJS has not set their lineup, a problem we have not had since before the modern era (a period we mark from the time JJS joined us, ironically). For JarJar, the mystery still remains. What part of their season was the autodraft? The two four-game losing streaks or the one five-game winning streak sausaged in between? The world may never know, but surely we all could see that this team was doomed from the start. No cohesion, no game plan, just a smattering of random subpar players thrown together like an old lady decided to take everything in her fridge, throw it in a pan, slap it in the oven for an hour and call it a casserole. (Still beat GBM twice though). Top Three Finishes by Team (Through 2017) The question of whether RIPDab is elite is a foolish one. RIPDab has been killing it in fantasy for as long as the league has existed, with the exception of the two seasons that he fell victim to the even-year curse. Two 11-2 regular seasons and tied for the most top-3 finishes. The only thing that keeps him from being included in the conversation with the greats? The Eternal Cup of Glory. List of Finishes by year The Bust Zone With one week remaining, can Devonta Freeman give RIPDab one more solid performance and take down current first round points leader Todd Gurley II? Rookie Rundown It looked like Hunt might give up his top spot to Kamara and Fournette but after two incredible performance in the postseason it seems he will be the rookie runningback champion of 2017. By the way, fuck this guy Joe Mixon. I was right about him. Wrong about everything else but right about him. What a waste of space. Stat Chat NFL *Devonta Freeman (RIP) handled 74% of RB opportunities in week 15 in the absence of Tevin Coleman (RIPDab). *LeSean McCoy (TSB) has at least 20 touches in four-straight games. *Melvin Gordon (TSB) has at least 22 touches in six-straight games. *Todd Gurley (TSB) is having the 21st best fantasy season all-time among RBs. *Jarvis Landry (TSB) is the WR10 in the LOC this season. RIP's top WR, Doug Baldwin, is WR18. *Travis Kelce (RIP) is the TE1 in the LOC this season. TSB's current TE, Jared Cook, is TE10. *Marvin Jones (TSB) has averaged more yards per game than every other WR in the league besides Antonio Brown, Julio Jones, and DeAndre Hopkins. *Michael Crabtree (RIP) had a career-high 15 targets in week 15. *BONUS non-Glory Bowl stat: The Jaguars have won by an average of 27 points and rushed for over 138 yards in each of the three games that Leonard Fournette (GBM) has missed this season. Trade Tracker Starts: *Thompson: 4 *Wentz: 6 *Brady: 6 *Crowder: 5 I guess since I write these things I have to be the one to say it. (Takes deep breath). Is Tom Brady not a viable fantasy football option anymore? I mean, he has sort of done nothing since week 12. And we're headed into week 16. Is he a risky start? I'm just throwing that out there not at all trying to get into Nate's head. Starts: *McCaffrey: 6 *Abdullah: 4 *Morris: 5 With Zeke coming back, Morris is officially irrelevant, which makes the fight for the Heart and Soul Bowl extra difficult for underdog Papa's Pussies. Still, Morris helped them not finish last and that counts for something. Also, not saying but just saying, McCaffrey outscoring Brady? Makes you think. Starts: * Elliot: 1 * Cooks: 5 * Olsen: 1 Don't look now but mama is on a roll! 5-1 in their last six games, with that one loss pesky loss being the only thing keeping them out of the Festival. If they had started Olsen over Rudolph they would have been able to beat both Pain Train and GBM in the Festival Semifinals. Starts *Miller: 7 *Snead: 0 *Juju: 2 *Duke: 5 YOU BENCHED JUJU? WHAAAAAA? Bowl Week Previews Amazingly, we came up with the idea of bowl week way back in August and I thought for sure at some point between then and now I would find the time to create logos for all these bowl games. I did not. Maybe it's because I produced an entire season of a television show for the league instead. The Million Dollar Game (8)JarJar Stinks! vs. (10)Sweet Dee Someone is going to feel like a million bucks after avoiding last place in the LOC, but they should probably feel more like maybe 50 cents. This has been such a letdown season for both of these teams, especially Sweet Dee. Fast start after fast start has turned to dust for this squad, who has now become the worst team in almost every statistical category in the LOC. If they can’t take down JJ this week, they run the risk of JarJar superseding them in wins despite playing two fewer seasons. The Million Dollar Game (2011-Present) The Heart and Soul Bowl (7)ma ma momma said vs. (9)Papa's Pussies The two teams who played in the 2016 Million Dollar Game have shown a little more fight this season and now meet in a bowl one level higher in 2017. Keep this up and we are looking at the Glory Bowl X matchup. Papa has already shown that he has heart and soul, so for that reason alone he has to be considered a heavy favorite in the 2017 H&S Bowl. MMMS scraped by Sweet Dee and has looked like a team with all the passion sucked out after their elimination in week 13. But all the intangibles aside, there is still a game to be played here, and the winner chooses the order of the first four picks. Needless to say, Papa does not want to be picking first again and it is in his power to avoid that if he can win this week. This is the fourth year that the Heart and Soul Bowl winner has this power, and it will be the fourth different Heart and Soul Bowl champion. One of the best things to ever come out of my brain, if I may say so myself (and I do say so myself). The Heart and Soul Bowl (2011-Present) Draft Order Selections by Year The Salty Dolphin Bowl (4)Pain Train WOO WOO vs. (6)Garoppoblow Me We might need to rename this the Salty Blow Me Bowl pretty soon, as this is the third year in a row that GBM is playing in the SD Bowl. Actually, I almost stipulated in the off-season that if RIP won the Glory Bowl he would get to change the name of the 3rd place game to whatever he wanted, but I thought the chances of that ever happening were so slim that I didn’t even bother making the joke. Salty Dolphin Bowl Appearances by Team With nothing on the line, GBM is guaranteed to make all the right decisions and have a great game. He’ll likely stick with Bortles, while PT might as well stick with Big Ben, who is the NFL QB equivalent of a typical fantasy football player in that every year he gets that look like he can’t fucking take it anymore, tells the media he’s thinking of quitting, then always comes back for more next season. With no Antonio Brown and no Davonte Adams, hard to say if PT can muster up the strength to defeat GBM, but seeing as all his killer players had dud games in week 15, what are the chances that happens again? For the first time this season, GBM will have a completely healthy roster. Just kidding, his star kicker is on IR. This is the third kicker to be put on IR this season for GBM. Glory Bowl VII This is the way it was destined to end. Two teams who have gone at it for years in the playoffs now face off on the biggest stage. RIPDab, the underdog, the rebel scum, vs. the evil empire, The Shotti Bunch. The Shotti dynasty needs to end. Glory Bowl Championship (2011-Present) Glory Bowl Appearances by Team Glory Bowl Margins of Victory Championship Wins/Appearances Droughts Head-to-Head History Updated through 9/19/17 This will be the fourth postseason matchup between these two teams. The Shotti Bunch is 3-0 with three championships in the prior seasons that these two met in the playoffs. While TSB owns the edge in this epic rivalry (10-4) it is important to note that since the start of the 2016 season the series is just 3-2 with no team ever winning two in a row, which bodes well for RIP since they lost their most recent matchup 219.73-195.71. TSB has scored over 200 in 13 of their 14 matchups, while RIP has done so in 10 of 14. No Glory Bowl champion has ever scored less than 220 points in the championship game. The Shotti Bunch is averaging 266.43 points in the Glory Bowl. Game Preview These are based solely on the current lineups at the time of this writing (Thursday afternoon, 12/21/17). * QB ** RIP: Tom Brady - Historically owns BUF and is at home, but has had some poor fantasy performances of late. ** TSB: Cam Newton - Goes against the league's worst pass defense but had one of his worst game of the year against them earlier this season. ** ADVANTAGE: TSB * WR ** RIP: Doug Baldwin/Michael Crabtree/Keelan Cole/Mohamed Sanu - Baldwin was targeted ONCE last week and needs to step up to outduel Landry. Crabtree should be able to exploit that weak Philly secondary. Cole has been on fire over the last four weeks and has a great matchup against the 49ers, but will the Jags have to throw? Sanu had 83 yards and a touchdown earlier in the year against the Saints and this could be a shootout. ** TSB: Jarvis Landry/Demaryius Thomas/Marvin Jones JR/Martavus Bryant - Landry keeps producing with a massive slew of targets. Thomas's value takes a big hit with Paxton Lynch. Jones Jr. didn't get targeted a lot but converted all his targets into big plays, and now faces an awful Bengals secondary. Bryant should see increased action with Brown down. ** ADVANTAGE: RIP * RB ** RIP: Mark Ingram/Devonta Freeman/Tarik Cohen - Ingram has been a stud but Falcons are great against the run and Kamara takes something away from him in the pass game. Freeman, on the other hand, is integral to the Falcons' pass game, so an interesting battle of RBs in Saints/Falcons for RIP. Cohen is undercut by Cunningham but if he can churn out return yards he will be relevant. ** TSB: Todd Gurley/LeSean McCoy/Todd Gurley - Rare move for TSB to only start three RBs, but they happen to all be ranked in the top 10 so don't cry for me, Argentina. Gurley might have some trouble against a staunch run defense in Tennessee. McCoy will hope to make a dent in a NE D that is happy to give up yardage over scores. Gordon is primed for a big day against the Jets with no Wilkerson. ** ADVANTAGE: TSB * TE ** RIP: Travis Kelce - The guy has been the top TE in the league this season but had an average game last week despite catching 6 balls, but Miami is bad against TE so could be great. ** TSB: Jared Cook - Tough matchup but the best option out there for TSB. ** ADVANTAGE: RIP * K ** RIP: Will Lutz - Only kicked three field goals in the last three weeks but we're indoors and this should be a high scoring affair. ** TSB: Chris Boswell - 8/8 over the last three games so impossible to cut. ** ADVANTAGE: RIP * D ** RIP: New England - RIP has done away with PHI, as they have gotten soft and he would have to put Crabtree against them on Christmas night. But they haven't looked top notch over the last few games. Though they did kill Buffalo earlier this year. ** TSB: Baltimore - The death star of this team's armada, Baltimore gets the Colts in Baltimore on Saturday night and will set the pace for the Glory Bowl. Hard to sit even though Colts have been better of late. ** ADVANTAGE: TSB * OVERVIEW ** RIP: When RIP kept Michael Crabtree, he couldn't have imagined that Crab would be the last player on the field for the last game of Week 16, the last hope of Glory Bowl victory for RIPDab. Should make for an epic showdown with Jared Cook for the title. If they are tied or if RIP is behind by anything less than 30, this could be the most epic conclusion to a Glory Bowl since Glory Bowl I was decided in 2011 by an insane performance by Matt Ryan on the last game of the week. The one thing I can't shake when analyzing this team is that they won many low scoring games, not by outscoring the opponent but by the opponent failing to meet projection. That will not be the case in the Glory Bowl. On the biggest stage, RIP will have to have their biggest night. ** TSB: The score hangover has no business with TSB. He has scored over 300 several times and has not missed a beat in the following weeks. In 2013 he followed up his 355 point performance with 240 points, and than another 300+ performance. So we can forget about that. However, 71 from Gurley is not going to happen again, and his guys in general have tougher matchups this week. McCoy is not the same on the road and Philly has been good against tight ends, making Cook's performance on Monday night a big question mark. Baltimore defense has to continue playing BIG and TSB will be in good shape. If TSB has a deficit going into Christmas, he'll have Bryant/Boswell and Cook in charge of closing the gap. * PREDICTION ** I do not want to predict a winner or do anything near that because of the Matt Jinx. TSB seems to have the advantage in all the major categories, but it is interesting to see him move away from his RB-heavy lineup and go with a balance run/pass option. Will the shift in game play pay off and give TSB his fourth Cup of Glory?